Funny things kids say about our ocean

Children writing about the sea.....

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island .
If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans.
(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small.
(Kevin age 6)

12) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up
her fanny.
(Julie age 7)

13) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8) :P

Funny Video - Extreme Surfing

Pro_300_dynamitesurfing_320
Uploaded by tonio38580

Good Girl , Bad Girl Humor

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

Christian Humor - Jesus vs the devil

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for days until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"


God chuckled, "Jesus saves"

[quote]

There are loads of Shirts, that say, JESUS SAVES, meant is JESUS saves your life.

Enjoy the joke.
[/quote]

Funny Humor - Lawyers

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Best Joke I know to slap someone :P

A pimp is sitting in a backstreet waiting for his THREE (make sure you emphasize the 'three') hoes to come back for the night. After a long wait, the first one finally arrives.

The pimp says "Hey you're late! Anyway - you owe me $100, so pay up..."
The hoe replies "Umm I'm pretty sure it was only $70..."
The pimp slaps the hoe and says "Don't correct me bitch!"

Just after this the second hoe comes around the corner.
The pimp says "Hey you took your time... now pay up... you owe me $150!"
The hoe replies "No, it was only $100 i owed you..."
The pimp slaps the hoe and says "Don't correct me bitch!"

The third hoe then suddenly comes around the corner...
The pimp says "Hey Hey.. get over here.. you owe me $300 so gimme the money..."
The hoe replies "What? I only owed you $220!"
The pimp again, slaps the hoe and says "Don't correct me bitch!"

Then the fourth hoe comes around the corner...
(At this point, someone you're telling the joke to should point out "But I thought you said there we're only three hoes..." - Slap them and say "Don't correct me bitch"

Funny Humor - A Happy Life

FIVE RULES FOR ALL MALES TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, is a good cook, cleans and has a well paid job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh and laughs at your jokes.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is superb in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Political humor - Nice Trade

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was
carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John Kerry."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."

Humor - Age

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing" said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"


"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Funny Joke - Please Stand Up

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you`re a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn`t want to see you standing there all by yourself."

Funny Picture - Mousepad for man

check out this cool new 3d mouse pad with rest arm ;)

breasts.txt

(o)(o) Perfect breasts
(+)(+) Fake silicone breasts
( * )( * ) Perky breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{O}{O} D cups
(oYo) Wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced breasts
(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma’s breasts
( - )( - ) Against the shower door breasts
o | | o | Android breasts
( $ )( $ ) Martha Stewart’s breasts

Funny - English Love Poem

An English Love Poem
(Who said British men aren't romantic?)


Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top Notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can Get my arms round there

No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me grannies grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter wot you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the soccer's on
And fetch another beer

Funny Jokes - Why I divorced my wife

"What would you like?" my wife asked as she prepared the evening meal. "Tuna, salmon, chicken, beef or liver?" Surprised and pleased by this unusual opportunity to make a selection from such an extensive dinner menu, I replied, "Beef would be nice for a change, thank you."

"Oh," she said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was asking the cat. We're having soup." ....

Build your powered model aircraft

Build your powered model aircraft - very easy guide

Funny Jokes - Bacon and Eggs

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his

mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.



Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he

kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes

to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast

and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get

any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.



Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any

eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for

a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't

getting any milk."

Puzzle

IF
1 = 5
2 = 25
3 = 125
4 = 625
5 = ?

Think…

Humor , to make you smile

1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences…..She thought she was God and I didn’t.

2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I’m not a complete idiot –Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the st uffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room -spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.. They call it PMS be cause Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27.. Ham and eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.

Funny Picture - Iraq Exit Strategy

Simon says Modern Reality not Joke

Vista contains improved speech recognition technology, a factor which prompted security researchers to see if it was possible to create MP3 files on hacker websites or audio tracks distributed on P2P networks to issue spoken commands which takes control of PCs running Vista.

Read more:

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/02/01/vista_voice_recognition_attack/

Funny Bra Cup Sizes

A visual explanation for us guys to show where bra cup sizes come from:

Jokes - Pilots and ATC

(warning quite long)
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.



Those English are quite tough on the Germans. You’d think it was them that won the war and not the North Americans.



That was just for you Rich, from your Scottie neighbours









Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:








Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"





Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.

How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a

747 makes when it hits a 727?"





From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line:

"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control:

"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"





O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...

I've got the little Fokker in sight."





A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,

"What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."





A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway,

if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101,

make a right at the lights and return to the airport."





A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English):

"If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English):

"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.

Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"





Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.

By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind

of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;

and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."





One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours

and I'll have enough parts for another one."





The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --

And I didn't land."





While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for

Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between

C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!

You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive

taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,

when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the

verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground

controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around

Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence

and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

News - Terrible F1 accident

This is just in : Newsflash


Terrible F1 accident just happened today .

Cool - 3 Fuses

Nice trick to do at a party . Actually there is no trick involved anyway this is a great way to amaze your friends and get 10 bucks quick ;) .

Two Blondes Joke

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Funny Picture - Popey's Mom

You all know Popeye the Sailor man , that great animation figure from toons like those from Cartoon Network or other channels.

Look at this picture , it's an old lady looking greatly like him , maybe she's his mom:

Funny Disney T-Shirt

Check out this amazing funny disney T-Shirt. I wonder if you can get it at Disney World.



Anyway what I find strange that the cups that are of particular interest are different. One features Minnie and the other Mickey .

Funny - Beer contains female hormones

Beer contains female hormones......

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released
the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of
female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a
1 Hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8 )Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Funny Ridiculous chain letter

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes"

Delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.



It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.



This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.




IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.


It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.



It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.
***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!

And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!

Jokes - Lottery winner

Sue just won the lottery and she decides that she is sick of working, so she calls her boss and tells him. "I cant come in today" her boss asks "why" Sue tells him " I have anal glaucoma" he says "what do you mean" Sue says " that i don't ever see my ass coming in again"

Jokes - Irish Slippers

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs
and get me slippers?"


"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's
two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"



"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

Holiday elf greeting card

Cheerfull animation flash postcard to send to amuse your friends on christmas holidays or when it's just snowing outside.



Don't wait .. Go elf yourself :))

www.elfyourself.com

Ultimate Christmas Gift for men

This is the ultimate christmas gift all you women out there could get for your friend/boy friend / or husband with this special occasion.



Merry Christmas Everybody and a Happy New Year ! I won't be posting very much on holidays as I will be in vacation away from home .

The Smartest Sardar

A Sardar went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn’t like Sardars.
The game warden ordered the Sardar to show his hunting license, and the Sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario.This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license,boy?”
The Sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Quebec duck.
This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?”
The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?”
Again the Sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Sardar “Just where the hell are you from?”
The Sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert.”

Words Hidden Meanings

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like


MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Funny - engineer's Life

How to determine if you are an engineer: So True ...

1. The only jokes you receive are through email (OUCH)
2. At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
3. Buying flowers for your girlfriend/boyfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
4. If you find that you have to often explain how to use the gifts you have given other people.
5. Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
6. In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure
7. The Salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
8. You are always late to meetings
9. You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
10. You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.
11. You bought your wife/husband a new CD ROM drive for her birthday
12. You forget to get a haircut (for 6 months!)
13. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
14. You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting
15. You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines
16. You comment to your wife/husband that her straight hair is nice and parallel
17. You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
18. You have Dilbert comics/paphanelia displayed anywhere in your work area
19. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
20. You have more friends on the internet than in real life
21. You have backed up your hard drive
22. You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
23. You have used coat hangars and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
24. You know what http:// stands for
25. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
26. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
27. You see a good design and still have to change it
28. You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring
29. You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it
30. You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory
31. You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
32. You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
33. You window shop at Radio Shack
34. You're in the backseat of your car, she/he is looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
35. Your checkbook always balances
36. Your laptop computer costs more than your car
37. Your wife/husband hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work
38. Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz pentium
39. You've already calculated how much you make per second
40. You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio
41. Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.Chocolate

Funny - Xmas Trees and Onions

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes hrough three phases.In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch,flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree". A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Humor - Texan Baby

A Texas farmer is drinking in a New York bar when, he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the farmer just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.

"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Budweiser beer, wipes his
Lips 0n his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Ah Had'm circumcised!"

Jokes - The Titanic and Bill Clinton

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for
this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica , their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill .
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose 's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica .
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica 's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Monica .
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica ...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary ..basically the same thing.

Hard Times - Viagra

Hard Times in bed without Viagra.

Humor - Belgium Fake Revolution

Belgium's fake revolution
Fake TV report sends Belgium into a panic



Belgian TV broadcast a fake news program that sent the country into a panic.» Details

A huge phony newscast was reported as the "Flemish parliament has unilaterally declared the independence of Flanders" and it is said that King Albert and Queen Paola had left on the first air force plane available because of this belgium fake revolution that got announced over the news what was actually Belgium Independence Hoax.

There's no revolution in Belgium. Really!

[quote]
Suddenly and shockingly, Belgium came to an end. State television broke into regular programming late Wednesday with an urgent bulletin: The Dutch-speaking half of the country had declared independence and the king and queen had fled. Grainy pictures from the military airport showed dark silhouettes of a royal entourage boarding a plane.
[/quote]

Frantic viewers flooded the call center of the RTBF.
"Ambassadors who were worried asked what they had to tell their capitals," said Senate Chair Anne-Marie Lizin. "This fiction was seen as a reality and it created a catastrophic image of the country."

The Belgium Independence Hoax was a stunt aired by Broadcasters.

You might imagine that the only people who enjoyed this program that was intended to be humorous in some way were the separatist far-right Flemish Interest party.
Fake TV report sends Belgium into a panic

Jokes - On The Nude Beach

As part of his growing up process, Isaac and Renee take their 6 year old son Aaron to a nude beach. As Isaac and Aaron take a walk along the sands, Aaron notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mum’s, so he runs back to ask her why.
"The bigger they are, Aaron, the sillier the lady is," explains Renee.
Aaron is pleased with her answer and goes away to play. But 5 minutes later he returns to tell Renee that many of the men have larger things than his dad has.
"The bigger they are, Aaron, the dumber the man is," explains Renee.
He is again very pleased with her answer and goes back to play.
5 minutes later, Aaron is back again and promptly tells Renee, "Mum, dad is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets."

Humor - You Might be Trailer Trash if...

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jokes - Restaurant Waiter jokes

Sarah is on a dinner date. When she gets to the Golders Green restaurant, she is shown to her table. Her date has not yet arrived. She puts down her handbag and waits. After 10 minutes he still hasn’t arrived so she decides to tidy herself up to make sure that she looks perfect for him. She bends down and starts rummaging through her handbag, looking for her mirror. Unfortunately, as she is bending down, she accidentally lets go a loud fortz just as a waiter is walking by. Sarah immediately sits up straight. She’s embarrassed and red faced and sure that everyone in the restaurant heard her ‘misdemeanour’ so she quickly turns to the waiter and shouts, "Stop that."
The waiter looks at her and keeping a straight face says, "Of course, madam, which way was it headed?"

fortz: fart

Jokes - Pickle Slicer

Yossel Abramovitz works in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he suddenly develops a very powerful desire to put his shlong in the pickle slicer. After three months of restraint, Yossel can’t stand it any more and decides to seek professional help for this infatuation of his. He then spends many sessions with a psychiatrist who finally gives up on him.
"Yossel," says the psychiatrist, "because your desire to put your penis in the pickle slicer is so powerful, the only way to get over it is to actually do it."
"OK," says Yossel, "I’ll do it first thing tomorrow morning at work. I promise."
And next day, Yossel does what he promised. But at 11am, he arrives back at his house. This worries his wife Sarah and she asks him why he’s home so early. Yossel tells her for the first time about his desire; that he couldn't take it any more, and that today he did it and got fired as a result.
Sarah gasps, runs over to him, pulls down his trousers and pants – and sees his shlong perfectly normal and intact. She looks up at him and says, "I don't understand, Yossel, what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"She got fired too," replies Yossel

Funny - Things to do in a public toilet

Comment "Pooh, who did that?"

Complement people on their shoes.

Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.

Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.

Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in THEIR bowl.....

Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.

Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"

Simulate a drug deal.

Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).

Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.

Start a sing-a-long.

Act schizophrenically.

Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy....

Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.

Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"

Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."

Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.

Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.

Say "Oops.... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.

Fake an orgasm.

At night, switch off the lights.

Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"

Collect a door charge.

Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"

Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.

Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.

Write essay questions on the toilet paper.

Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.

Offer refreshments.

Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.

Run in, yelling "Free Willy!"

Charge admission.

Electrify metal urinals.

Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.

One word: GOLDFISH.

Make a jello in the bowl.

Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.

Remove stall doors.

Glue seat and cover down to bowl.

Place signs warning of hour video surveillance.

Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.

Put itching powder on the toilet seats.

Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.

Replace soap in dispenser with custard.

Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available.

Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.

Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).

In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice for young players: Don't leave the water in while you do this....)

Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.

Humor - George Carlin Thoughts

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .. ... they're cramming for their final ex am.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Fat Ugly Joke

A woman looks in the bedroom mirror...and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment!"

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".

Entertainment - Arthur Worsley - Ventriloquist

A Ventriloquist and his doll , what could be more funny , I know it may sound to you as old humor but you have to check this small video footage of a ventriloquist and his doll on a show.



Nowadays ventriloquists are not that popular anymore , but stay with me and watch this little footage to bring up good old quality humor .
This is so funny that you may want to try to be a ventriloquist. Well speaking and not moving your lips may proove harder then it looks like . Indeed there were some special courses that ventriloquists had to follow in order to have a grade A performance.

Performed on "The Ed Sullivan Show" on November 3, 1957. Available on "The Very Best of The Ed Sullivan Show Volume 2"

Humor Jokes - Happy Frog

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!

The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, Did you do what I told you to do?

Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, well that`s a perfectly trained frog. I can`t understand what`s wrong.

He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

Turning to the frog, he says, Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I`m showing you this!

Humor - Sony Unveils New Self-Destructive

Another weak attemp at defeating Piracy
Sony Unveils New Self-Destructive

Tokyo - Many industry analysts have wondered which way Sony would go in the copyright protection debate. Sony manufactures both hardware, which is harmed by piracy controls, and entertainment, which is helped by piracy controls. A recent release of a self-destructive DVD player shows that the entertainment division is winning that internal argument.
"Large amounts of pirated material were hopefully destroyed in the blaze," said MPAA officials.

"Copy protection has been foiled too easily by pirates, and we need to do something more effective," said Sony Entertainment vice-president Harold Wang. "Self-destructive DVDs have been tried, but rejected by consumers. We feel that consumers will embrace the self-destructive DVD players, because it gives them that Mission Impossible I've-got-the-latest-gadget feeling. We even have the player say 'This DVD player will self-destruct in 10 seconds.'"

Wang addressed the safety concerns of destroying a DVD player: "Sure there are safety issues, but most homes are equipped with smoke detectors these days, and are chock full of pirated material which would be destroyed in the blaze. OK, their house might burn down, but isn't that a small price to pay to combat piracy?"


Full story
http://www.bbspot.com/News/2003/05/self_destruct.html

Humor Jokes - James Bond

James Bond walks up to the bar at the casino in Monte Carlo, sits down near a beautiful woman and keeps checking his watch.

Eventually she turns to him and asks him if his friend is late.

"well actually" he says "this is a special watch that i got from Q and it speaks to me telepathically."

"and what is it telling you?" asks the beautiful woman.

"That you are not wearing any knickers this evening" replies James.

"well" said the woman, "it must be broken because i am wearing knickers."

"DAMN" said James, "Must have set it an hour fast this morning!"

Funny Picture - Women scorned - Bitter Breakup

Bitter Breakups (wow.. I wouldn't want to be in any of this guys place to face a woman that can do such things , breakup is awfull .. a bitter breakup that involves a woman scorned)













---
breakups funny photos
revenge from angry women (women scorned) after a bitter brakeup

Funny Picture - Stress at Work

Extreme Office Stress



That is what could happen of to much stress so don't do everytime like your boss says and enjoy a little of your time at work by relaxing.

Funny - Ten (10) new words

1. AQUADEXTROUS
(ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION
(kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT
(dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS
(el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST
(frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION
(lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER
(peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS
(pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION
(tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

The words don't exist but these words make a lot of sense :P .

Funny Picture - Right Brain Conflict

I 'll give you this little exercise to do.



You'll notice it is quite hard to spell the requested word correctly as what happens is your right brain and left brain get in conflict , while you try to say the colour of the word out loud instead of the actual word wich is part of the colour listing.

X-ServerList user please come here for original content and bookmark your entertainment resource

Funny News - No more internet ?

RIAA wants the Internet shut down

Interesting argument of the day

By Nick Farrell: Wednesday 29 November 2006, 08:38

ONE OF THE lawyers involved in defending cases bought against people by the RIAA claims that if the music industry wins a crucial case, the Internet will have to be switched off.
Speaking on the DefectiveByDesign anti-DRM campaign site, Ray Beckerman said the case of Electro vs. Barker has become very important for the web's future.

Barker was being defended by Beckerman who made a motion to dismiss the case because the RIAA had forgot to provide any acts or dates or times of copyright infringement as the law normally requires.

The RIAA argued that by merely making files available on the Internet Barker was making a copyright infringement.

Beckerman said that it was a shocking argument because if it were accepted by the court it would probably shut down the entire Internet. If you send any file on the Net the RIAA will be allowed to suspect that you are in breach of copyright.

What was more disturbing is that the RIAA called up its mates in Washington to back it up. Apparently the United States Government has put in motions supporting the RIAA.

From here:
http://theinquirer.net/default.aspx?article=36027

LMAO It's a global thing - what are they going to do pull the plug worldwide? How can they shut down the internet? How are they even going to do it in America? Shut down ISP providers? Stop the public from subscribing to ISPs? I bet you that would break some Constitutional rights. It would be interesting to actually compare the tax revenue generated by the ISP subscriptions to the tax revenue generated by the movie/recording industries etc. The fact is that the media copying is damaging the profit margin of the artists ( debatably ) , developers & companies involved in the production of software/games/music/movies and someone is taking a hit to the pocket that they can probably afford but don't actually like so something has to be done or at least be seen to be being done. Talk about shutting down the internet is ludicrous and scare-mongering drivel.

Although this seems worrying I think it's plain funny that they decided to tell such stories that internet could be possibly shut down as a solution.

Cyanide and Happiness comics

Cyanide and Happiness comics

I think they are awesome and thought I would post one for people to see...



http://www.explosm.net/comics/719/

Its lame (kind of lame if one doesn't have that kind of humor... ) funny but I love it...

Cool - Efes Pilsen

Efes Pilsen





Man some people have waaay too much spare time.
Very cool though.

Funny - Mcdonalds job application

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in Florida; and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!




NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Funny Video - Portable Gaming experience

I guess that now you should proffit of all the time you could get in order to still have a chance to become an elite in the gaming world as most of teens are preparing for a long time.


Check out this baby learning to handle a Sony PSP. He had to choose between the best portable consoles : PSP. Enjoy this humorous video where the baby handles the PSP well (to bad we can't see him play a game .. that would have been nice)

Funny Flash Game - Lust for Bust

Play this funny flash game: Lust for Bust . Personally I didn't finish it but if you do please share the time and/or method ;) .

Humor - The world without

Aeronautical-Engineers

Civil-Engineers

Communication-Engineers

Computer-Engineers

Electronics-Engineers

Mechanical-Engineers

Drive Thru Fun

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

Humor - Having fun with cops

Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...

So, I went up to him and I said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...

Humor - The 50 year date

An elderly couple who used to be sweethearts met up in the street recently and all the old feelings came rushing back to them. Since neaither of them were married now they both thought what the hell lets go for it.

Travelling to a local beauty spot bordering a farmers field they found the same spot where they had made love 50 years ago. After some initial fourplay the man turns the woman round and pushes her up against the fence post, grabs hold of the fence for a bit support and takes her from behind.

After ten minutes of frantic thrashing sex he finally finishes and the woman turns roud to him saying " You didnt make love to me like that 50 years ago"

"50 years ago that bloody fence wasnt electrified!" he replied.

Humor - Tell me your IQ

Tell me your IQ

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. It could not only dispense drinks flawlessly, but also, like any bartender, engage in appropriate conversation.
A man enters the bar, orders a drink.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, then asks him:
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "150."
And the robot proceeds to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, etc.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.

Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him:
"What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "100."
And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, etc.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robotone more test.

He goes back in, the robot serves him, asks:
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "50."
And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"

Funny - Four friends and their sons

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday"
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame..what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends

Breaking News - Saddam has escaped

Quick ! It's on the news .. Tell everybody .. Saddam Hussein has escaped!

Funny - New Car from AOL

A new car from AOL
The AOL Car

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

Fun - Mario Brothers Sound Theme

Sweet impressive Super Mario Brothers sound theme from Mario game played by a person using two quitars. It's fun to watch and very relaxing as it brings up memories back when everyone played this cool game.



This is a dude that has mastered the art of playing guitar. Not only that but he plays two at once.

Funny - A donkey story

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he
entered it in the race again, and it won again. The
local newspaper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in
another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to
give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper,
hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would
have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a
farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains
where it could run wild. The next day the headlines
read:

NUN ANNOUNCES...HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Insane Funny - Smash PS3 Console

Buying a PS3 and smashing it infront of lots of PS3 Fanboys.
In my country PS3 isn't on the shelves and I saw all the comotion and the huge huge lines of gamers that wait to buy such a console so I consider this video insane funny.

I love this video and i bet you will too . You can also check their site , now this is what I call advertisment :)).

Enjoy To All PS3 Haters and Smile

Funny - Guilty

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!"

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."

"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this *information* is cybersex related ... Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever *that* is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.

Funny - Diary of a blonde newlywed

Dear Diary,

Monday:

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday:

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday:

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:

Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday:

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:

Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday:

Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.

Good night, Dear Diary.

This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

Newlyweds

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Funny - Gender Joke

Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or
feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."? "Pencil,"
however, is masculine: "el lapiz."


A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine
noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.

The men group decided that "computer" should definitely be
of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling... this gets better!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ("el computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



The women won.

Funny - Guy's Rules for Women

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.

31. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

40. If it itches, it will be scratched.

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

46. What the hell is a doily?

Funny Story - Wine Tasting Robot

Wine-tasting robot identifies humans as bacon
Subject description: i welcome our pork-eating robot overlords

But when some smart aleck reporter placed his hand in the robot's omnivorous clanking jaw, he was identified as bacon. A cameraman then tried and was identified as prosciutto.

Wednesday, 8 November 2006

Robot Identifies Human Flesh As Bacon

Let the robot holocaust commence: robots think we taste like bacon.

Researchers at NEC System technologies and Mie University have designed the cute little guy to the right: a metal man gastronomist, "an electromechanical sommelier", capable of identifying wines, cheeses, meats and hors d'oeuvres.

- Read the full story @:
blog.wired.com/tableofmalcontents/2006/11/robot_identifie.html

Well I for one welcome our metallic superiors.
I volunteer to round up humans and place them into cages to be used as sustenance for our robotic saviors

This was also posted on Slashdot... The first comment there was funny :

The robot is right
And that's all I'm going to say.

Anytime Anywhere

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'? How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, . . . "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

Funny Picture - Amazed Cat

Look at the cat face expression I mean it's very funny (a stoned , shocked but pleased). Picture sent by Marissa.

Funny Picture - Bill Gates toilet

I think everyone knows that Bill Gates is the richest man in the world currently. But hey..is there anyone interested to look at his personal property? Well, as the former CEO of Microsoft and co-founder of Microsoft, he’s quite famous person now right? Maybe a little bit famous from Paris Hilton but it’s quite surprised to see his..



Toilet..! hmmm..I mean..it is not luxurious as we might think. It’s very similiar to mine though accept for the Windows 98 toilet roll. I think he will upgraded it with Windows Vista later. The toilet might have bugs a little there then.