New words for 2006

Some classics in here!!!

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a home business.

SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. >From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Chinese proverbs (wise words)

Man who run in front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind car get exhausted.

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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

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Man with one chopstick go hungry.

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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

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War does not determine who is right ; war determine who is left.

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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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Jokes - Sex problems

I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life. The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy,... she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

Jokes - Guy in Hell and Demon

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! remember?

Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer no biggie --you're already dead,

Guy: Wow...that's.... awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose that's right you're dead - who cares!

Guy: Wow! I never realized Hell was such a swinging' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: No.....

Demon: Ooooh, you're not gonna like Fridays.

Ready for Vacation again.

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took
your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and
Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got
pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get
pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor .
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the Self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for 'synonym''?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a 'walk'?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an 'alge-bra'?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S"in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of"assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Jokes - small story

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...

"Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:

"Not bad..."

Then the voice says:

"So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:

"Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."

Then I hear the person say all flustered:

"Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."

Jokes - Three Proofs

THREE PROOFS


Three proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1 He went into his fathers business
2 He lived at home until the age of 33
3 He was sure that his mother was a virgin
and his mother was sure that he was God
Three proofs that Jesus was Irish:
1 He never got married
2 He never had a steady job
3 His last request was for a drink
Three proofs that Jesus was Mexican:
1 His first name was Jesus
2 He was always in trouble with the law
3 His mother did not know who his father was
Three proofs that Jesus was Italian:
1 He talked with his hands
2 He had wine with every meal
3 He didn't disrespect prostitutes
Three proofs that Jesus was black:
1 He called everyone brother
2 He had no permanent address
3 Nobody would hire him
Three proofs that Jesus was a Californian:
1 He never cut his hair
2 He walked around barefoot
3 He invented a new religion

Jokes - how old am i?

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. Sometime later, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says. "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

Jokes - nervous preist

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his
door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he
was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for
the grub, yeah God."

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Jokes - Why we split up...............

...She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
...Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
...And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
...She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
...I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back...

Jokes - My Dear wife

A man starting his morning trip to his office, when he suddenly
stopped by an unusual funeral procession.
Two funeral coffins carried one behind the other, followed by a
solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of approximately 200 men walking in single
line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.He approached the man walking
with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad
time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with
so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?
"The man replied,"Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "
"What happened to her?"!
The man replied,"My dog attacked and killed her. "
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog attacked and killed her also. "
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the
first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "
The man replied "OK, Join the queue."

Jokes - Kids in school think quickly

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the Floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O !!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!

TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog !;

TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

Jokes - Romance Mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Don't Cheat!

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, for that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: I just saw my wife on rollerskates!

Jokes - The Legless Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on
a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy
says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective
parrot."

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and
answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a
highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you
hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but
since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like
a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak
English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic:
politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm
especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me.
I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just
can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth
is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can
probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go
by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work
and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over
with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or
not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the
postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in
a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up
her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the
parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and
began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and
slowly going down . . ."

"WELL" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell
off my perch!"

Future business man

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"

Jokes - American courts..

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

> > Q: Are you sexually active?
> > A: No, I just lie there.
> > __________________________________
> > Q: What is your date of birth?
> > A: July 15th.
> >
> > Q: What year?
> > A: Every year.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> > A: Yes.
> >
> > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > A: I forget.
> >
> > Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> >
> > Q: How long has he lived with you?
> > A: Forty-five years.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
> > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy"
> >
> > Q: And why did that upset you?
> > A: My name is Susan.
> > ______________________________________
> > Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
> > the occult?
> > A: We both do.
> >
> > Q: Voodoo?
> > A: We do.
> >
> > Q: You do?
> > A: Yes, voodoo.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
> > he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > ___________________________________
> >
> > Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > A: Yes.
> >
> > Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: She had three children, right?
> > A: Yes.
> >
> > Q: How many were boys?
> > A: None.
> > Q: Were there any girls?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > A: By death.
> >
> > Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: Can you describe the individual?
> > A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> >
> > Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> > notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
> > Q: What school did you go to?
> > A: Oral.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> >
> > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> > A: No.
> >
> > Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > A: No.
> >
> > Q: Did you check for breathing?
> > A: No.
> >
> > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> > A: No.
> >
> > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> >
> > Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> > A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> > law somewhere.

Jokes - In the cupboard

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "£750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"£1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now"

Jokes - African client

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't
reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like se x, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch pe nis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."