I got it from this site
Code:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/182862349.html
Its hillarius...definately worth a read!! Smile lol
DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR ASS.
olean actually does have a "side effect" of anal leakage. it was a popular fad for a while before people read the fine print. almost all of the products were removed fromt he shelves. some still made it and you got yourself a nice game of anal leakage roulette ^_^
Don't even say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat.
I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor.
The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont tell you...
Except in tiny print you cant read without a electron microscope
...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."
Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.
So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.
Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes shitting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?
So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You Pringle bastards.
I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.
The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.
I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.
That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.
So I grabbed the bar of saop and went to work.
You Pringle bastards.
The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that shit again.
Pringle bastards.
This is where the joke about "anal leakage" came from. its real. F**k Pringles.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Airlines humour - British Airways
Airlines humour - British Airways
“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.”
“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.”
“If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.”
“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.”
“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.”
“If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.”
Jokes - O'Malley Irish Joke
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course," says the second man. He can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course," says the second man. He can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
Weird history (unbealiveable)
weird history but true......... History is amazing unbealiveable!!!!!!!!!!!
History Lesson
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a
warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid
in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy huh?
History Lesson
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a
warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid
in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy huh?
Turning a pumpkin into a personal computer (pc)
Ilustrated Tutorial Step by Step How to build your pc from scratch on a tunned pumpkin case. (People pay great money to tune their pc to have a unioque one and most of times besides paying for the material they also pay for brand name).
You could even call this extreme pc tunning.
Let's be unique like this person and come up with our own ideea. Mounting this pc seems easy and if you got time I think it is worth it you try it.
You could even call this extreme pc tunning.
Let's be unique like this person and come up with our own ideea. Mounting this pc seems easy and if you got time I think it is worth it you try it.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Jokes - Phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend
MEAN EX GIRLFRIEND JOKES
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic."
"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great llover.
"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f ** k off. Quite mean isn't it ? ...
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic."
"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great llover.
"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f ** k off. Quite mean isn't it ? ...
Monday, August 28, 2006
Jokes - Sanatorium at a Baseball game
A famous mental institution (a sanatorium actually) for the mentally challanged and ill arranged one day for all its patients to attend
their first baseball game. For the game not to be a completly mess the director was put in charge to train the crazy patients
to obey his every command , so there wouldn't be any trouble.
On a bright sunny day they decided to play the game as they were somehow ready and they arrived just before the first pitch.
When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the patients immediately rose as the director
taught them well. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat right away. The
game proceeded and the patients were well-behaved as it seemed. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled,
"Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were apparently going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back
for his surprise there was a riot going on.
The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?"
"Everything was fine here," the assistant said, "until some black guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!"
their first baseball game. For the game not to be a completly mess the director was put in charge to train the crazy patients
to obey his every command , so there wouldn't be any trouble.
On a bright sunny day they decided to play the game as they were somehow ready and they arrived just before the first pitch.
When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the patients immediately rose as the director
taught them well. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat right away. The
game proceeded and the patients were well-behaved as it seemed. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled,
"Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were apparently going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back
for his surprise there was a riot going on.
The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?"
"Everything was fine here," the assistant said, "until some black guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!"
Funny Picture - Big man eating biggest burger I have ever seen
For such a big burger you'll get a whole role of tissues to be able to clean yourself after eating it , or at least a part of it. I can't imagine how you could eat a whole burger like that. Maybe that guy is able to ..
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Funny Picture - MacGyver
OMG our plane crashed!
What would MacGyver do?
Quote:
- Are you Neil Peart , from Rush ?
- Yes !
- Great ! could you play something for me ?
- But there's no drum kit here ...
- I can make one ! I just have to join this gum with this nail ...
- ... then I join some more pieces here ...
- Here you are ! I improvised one !
- So what would you like to hear Mr ...
- MacGyver!
- How about a solo from "Tom Sawyer" ?
Jokes - Saint Peter and Three Friends in Heaven
Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."
"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"
"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."
"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"
"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Jokes - Two men meet in a bar
Two men meet in a bar and get chattin when they come to realise that the wedding anniversarys are on the same day so the first guy says to the second guy....
First guy:What are you going to buy your wife for your anniversary...??
Second guy: Not shore yet but i think a Mercedes Benz And A Ferrari
First guy:But why both..??
Second guy:so if she dont like the mercedes she can use the ferrari
Second guy:so what are you gonna buy your wife for ur anniversary...??
First guy: A pair of slippers and a vibrator....
Second guy:But Why both???
First guy: so if she don't like the slippers she can go fuck herself!!!
First guy:What are you going to buy your wife for your anniversary...??
Second guy: Not shore yet but i think a Mercedes Benz And A Ferrari
First guy:But why both..??
Second guy:so if she dont like the mercedes she can use the ferrari
Second guy:so what are you gonna buy your wife for ur anniversary...??
First guy: A pair of slippers and a vibrator....
Second guy:But Why both???
First guy: so if she don't like the slippers she can go fuck herself!!!
Funny Music - Don't download this song mp3
I just saw this on Slashdot, and its just too funny to pass up!
http://www.myspace.com/weirdal
The song you want to listen to is: (it plays automatically)
Weird Al - Don't Download This Song
The irony? The song is available for download Big Grin AND I DOWNLOADED IT!!! Bunny It's so big, it has its own website!
http://www.dontdownloadthissong.com/
Lyrics: (in case you're at work or something, no sound)
Quote:
Once in a while maybe you will feel the urge
To break international copyright law
By downloading mp3s from file-sharing sites
Like Morpheus or Grokster or Limewire or KaZaA
But deep in your heart you know the guilt would drive you mad
And the shame would leave a permanent scar
'Cause you start out stealing songs, and then you're robbing liquor stores
And selling crack and running over school kids with your car
So don't download this song
The record store's where you belong
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh, don't download this song
Oh, you don't wanna mess with the RIAA
They'll sue you if you burn that CD-R
It doesn't matter if you're a grandma or a 7-year-old girl
They'll treat you like the evil, hard-bitten criminal scum you are
So don't download this song
Don't go pirating music all day long
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh, don't download this song
Don't take away money from artists just like me
How else can I afford another solid gold Humvee?
And diamond-studded swimming pools, these things don't grow on trees
So all I ask is, everybody, please...
Don't download this song
Even Lars Ulrich knows it's wrong
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh, don't download this song...
Don't download this song
Or you might wind up in jail like Tommy Chong
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh, don't download this song...
Don't download this song
Or you'll burn in Hell before too long
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh, don't download this song
Jokes - Arab & Gujrati
An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart
transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his
blood in
case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it
couldn't be found locally.So the call went out to a number of countries.
Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The
Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the
Arab
sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Toyota
Prado, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars. Once
again
the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate
his blood again.
After the second surgery,the Arab sent the Gujrati a thank you card and
a jar of Almond halwa sweets.
The Gujrati was shocked to see that the Arab had not reciprocated to
his kind gesture the way he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and told him that this time also he had expected the
Arab to send him a toyata prado,diamonds and jewellery.....but you only
gave
me a thank you card and a jar of almond sweets?....
On this the Arab replied...
"Bapu now I have gujju blood in my veins...!"
transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his
blood in
case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it
couldn't be found locally.So the call went out to a number of countries.
Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The
Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the
Arab
sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Toyota
Prado, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars. Once
again
the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate
his blood again.
After the second surgery,the Arab sent the Gujrati a thank you card and
a jar of Almond halwa sweets.
The Gujrati was shocked to see that the Arab had not reciprocated to
his kind gesture the way he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and told him that this time also he had expected the
Arab to send him a toyata prado,diamonds and jewellery.....but you only
gave
me a thank you card and a jar of almond sweets?....
On this the Arab replied...
"Bapu now I have gujju blood in my veins...!"
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Jokes - Best Blonde Jokes ( Top 2 - Most Rated)
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and
fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down
the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why
do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill
it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the
girl who plants the trees called in sick."
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and
fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down
the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why
do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill
it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the
girl who plants the trees called in sick."
Jokes - Women Silicon Breast Implants
A British company has recently developed computer chips that store and play music in women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.
This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Funny Videos - How to destroy a printer (easy steps)
Printer Madness
Do you ask yourself how to repair your Epson Stylus C41 or other broken printer. Here is the solution for you . Stop worrying and start smashing , i mean it ! Just smash the printer and have a blast from it .
Did you ever get upset on your printer or the printer from work . Don't you feel just like smashing one for the pure fun of it . Watch this nice videos (you might say they even have educational pourposes , because indeed these tutorials show you how to destroy or break a printer ). Although the printer presented is an Epson you can use any model , Enjoy !
The process:
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFb6H-fxMno
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUUV3GBl3FI
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfIG2jgW8Xw
Part 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_NhZ9OAFls
Part 5: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQSALrNdPpI
Do you ask yourself how to repair your Epson Stylus C41 or other broken printer. Here is the solution for you . Stop worrying and start smashing , i mean it ! Just smash the printer and have a blast from it .
Did you ever get upset on your printer or the printer from work . Don't you feel just like smashing one for the pure fun of it . Watch this nice videos (you might say they even have educational pourposes , because indeed these tutorials show you how to destroy or break a printer ). Although the printer presented is an Epson you can use any model , Enjoy !
The process:
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFb6H-fxMno
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUUV3GBl3FI
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfIG2jgW8Xw
Part 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_NhZ9OAFls
Part 5: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQSALrNdPpI
Funny Picture - Women as explained by engineers
Here are some theories of women , and various explanations made by engineers.
Women as explained by engineers
Women as explained by engineers
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Jokes - Elementary my dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks: "Someone has stolen our tent".
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks: "Someone has stolen our tent".
Jokes - The Lark Program
A Lady libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay. She received back the following reply:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you
described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion), this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka--over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs". Wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed--and remember--we'll be watching.
Good luck!
Cordially, your friend,
Don Rumsfeld
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you
described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion), this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka--over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs". Wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed--and remember--we'll be watching.
Good luck!
Cordially, your friend,
Don Rumsfeld
Saturday, August 19, 2006
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