Humor Jokes

Humor Section: Find new jokes and funny stuff. Add your own or comment on existing ones.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Dont get this drunk .....

Don't ever get this drunk. (Beer related effects side-effects) This pictures are Funny and Horryfying at the same time. Feel free to comment..

The Best Loo

Best Loo - Every guy's dream , hot babes stearing and you are doing your thing :P

Girl = Evil Theorem

Girl = Evil Theorem :

To Prove: Girl is Evil :

Girl = Time X Money

As we all know time is wealth

Therefore: Time = Money

Therefore: Girl = Money X Money

Therefore: Girl = (Money) ²

But We Know that money is the root of all evil

Therefore: Money = √evil

Therefore: Girl = (√Evil) ²

Therefore: Girl = Evil.

Blonde joke ...

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,
"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four
but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes sweetie, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could
only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other
girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No sweetheart, it's because you're 25."<

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

There is something wrong with my ....

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said,

"You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

2 Wishes

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Monday, May 22, 2006

How do you unlock your door?

One night, a man and his lady friend

Pretty Woman
were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she said,

"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

The man says, "Well, give me some examples."
The lady explains, "Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isn't for me either."

Then she said, "How do you unlock your door?"

The man answered,
"Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock"


Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You Can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.

Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.

Your wife bought you a porn movie.
Bad: It's over five years old.
Worse: Your daughter's the star.

Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He Looks better than you.

Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.

You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your wife says you can go golfing all you want.
Bad: Because she's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas last year.

Good: The Teacher Likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The teacher is a man.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
Worse: There's 5 guys in line.

Good: You finally get a night out.
Bad: You're seen by the town gossip going into a strip show.
Worse: Your daughter is the headliner.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Does Drinking Beer Turn Men Into Women?


Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory states that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Memo To All Students

    In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING.

    We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

    Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS S.H.I.T.

    Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
    If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

    For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

    If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).


The Director Under the Michigan Bureau of Super High Intensity Teaching.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Help the drunk get Home!

I found this cool game. Just press start and walk back home . My best yet is 70. Reply with a new record!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Dad's Dating Rules

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that
your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should
not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don'tyou do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her

Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten: Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange
starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you
to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for
you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Golfing with the Wife

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave.

His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."

Pulled Over

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road.A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says,

"What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you a ticket.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM.
The next morning the man woke up, onlyto discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

The Goldfish

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned,
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied,
"That's because he's inside your cat."

Boy on the Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling,
''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with,
''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,
''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''


Submit your site for free listing. (Links Page 2)

Yes you heard me right . Due to blogger limitations we haven't got one of those Add your site buttons. But you can contact us here for a link exchange. We are interested mainly in humor related sites . We don't have a minimum page rank set so if we like your site we'll aproove the link exchange. All other non related websites will be posted in this thread. Once enough are gathered it will be linked directly from PR 4 main page.

Submitting your site is important because this is how you gather back links . There main pourpose is seo and will help you improove your search engine popularity. So what do you wait. Do you have a page related to humor or jokes ? just send it for a quality backlink also send to all the directories listed here. You will get a quality backlink as only quality directories and other usefull sites are listed here.

So submiting your site has never been easier . We don't charge anything so this is a free submission . Enjoy!

Following back links:
(Go to page 2)

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    Wednesday, May 10, 2006


    One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
    First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,

    "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
    "Very good, Suzie,"
    replied the teacher.

    She then called on little Michael.
    "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
    "Excellent, Michael!"

    Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny.
    "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,
    'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

    Where is Jesus today?

    A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class,
    "Where is Jesus today?"

    Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered,
    "He's in my heart."

    Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
    "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

    The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said,
    "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

    How to Tell If You're Addicted To E-mail

    1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
    2. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
    3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
    4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
    5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
    6. You laugh at people with 28.8 KBPS- modems.
    7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
    8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
    9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
    10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
    11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
    12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
    13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
    14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://www.edison~/garden/house/brick.html
    15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
    16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it!

    You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

    1.You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
    2.Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
    3.Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
    4.All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
    5.And even your night dreams are in HTML.
    6.You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
    7.You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
    8.You start introducing yourself as Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
    9.Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
    10.You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
    11.You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
    12.Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
    13.All of your friends have an @ in their names.
    14.When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
    15.Your dog has its own home page.
    16.You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
    17.You check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again.
    18.Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
    19.You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
    20.You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
    21.Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
    22.You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
    23.You tell the kids they can't use the computer because addy's got work to do and you don't even have a job.
    24.You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
    25.Your wife makes a new rule: The computer cannot come to bed.
    26.You get a tatoo that says This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.
    27.You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
    28.The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
    29.You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
    30.Your wife says communication is important in a you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
    31.As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the back button.

    Humor Section

    I will search the web for humorous jokes , gags , funny jokes and funny stuff that I will share with everybody on this blog . Make sure you add this to your rss feed or bookmark the blog so that you will not get behind on the funny stuff! :P

    Funny Humor

    Funny Humor Resource - We search the internet for you and choose only the best jokes, gags and funny stuff.