Humor Jokes

Humor Section: Find new jokes and funny stuff. Add your own or comment on existing ones.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Funny - Basic rules for driving

Basic Rules For Driving In Boston

When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.

Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.

The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.

Double park in the North End of Boston, unless triple parking is available.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.

Always look both ways when running a red light.

Honk your horn the instant the light changes.

Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.

Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.

Making eye contact revokes your right of way.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps in the road, speed up loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Peds have no rights.

Driving in Jersey City, New Jersey: Basic Rules For Driving In New Jersey...

(do not try these rules on the real roadway)

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.

6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. New Jersey is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the

brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New Jersey driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in New Jersey.

13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

14. Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

15. It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

17. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

Jokes - Scottish wedding

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Arch, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?" Archie enquires.

"Oh," says Jock, "I imagine she'll be in white !!

Jokes - Human beings are the only animals that stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl.

"My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

Funny Picture - Quiet moment please

At first sight this picture is featuring a man on a moon. But look closer and you can see that the piucture was not taken on the moon , but on earth on a moon set. Anyway Behind the first astronaut, his colegue is preparing him a surprise .. a sudden surprise that will come all of a sudden breaking the quiet moment and the tension that you can feel it just by looking at the picture.

How do you think that things will evolve once we press the play button . Let your imagination loose :P

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Funny Picture - Russia's Copyright Laws

Funny Picture - Pirates in Rusia - Microsoft Windows XP Professional Corporate

Gotta love russia's copyright laws :P . In plain sight you see a post like this just under a microsoft payed advertising banner . I guess it was already known by all so why not make it public ;)

Jokes - Say No to school

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school !!

(school principal joke , joke about school principal)

Friday, July 28, 2006

Funny Picture - Pepsi or CocaCola wich one do you choose

Choosing Pepsi or Coca Cola - Funny Picture with hot model (chick) woman

Does it really matter wich one you choose ?
CocaCola on her right and pepsi on her left :P
Wich one is your favourite drink , maybe you could settle for both .. :))

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Jokes - I have some good news and some bad news.

Jimmy and Emma were both patients in a high class mental hospital. One day they were walking the hospital corridors while past the hospital swimming pool Jimmy decided to suddenly jump into the deep end. He sank and dropped like a stone to the bottom of the pool where his corpse remained. Emma promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and managed to pull Jimmy out.

She brought him to his room.
The hospital director found out about Emma's heroic act, and she immediately ordered that Emma be discharged from the hospital because of her good deed. She was now considered mentally stable.
She went to Emma and said:

I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that you're being discharged because we found out about how you rescued Jimmy , you responded so rationally to a crisis that we decided you should go home to your familly. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness and concern for other people , nonetheless this prooves your sanity . The bad news is that Jimmy, the patient you rescued from certain death, hung himself in one of the hospital's bathrooms with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry to bring you bad news, but he died and it looks although you're heroic gesture won't be forgetten , it was in vain.

Emma replied, He didn't hang himself. I was the one who put him there to dry. When can I go home??"

Funny and Fun - London Giant Monopoly

In 2005 London was transformed for a while into a giant Monopoly board for an online version of the game using real taxis as playing pieces.

Yes , instead of the boot , top hat or other game pieces to move around the board, players use a London taxi driving around the streets of the capital.

And instead of rolling dice to decide where they land on the board, their movements will be decided by current London traffic.

Funny and Fun : London's Giant Monopoly taxi car piece

Fun : Online Monopoly Game featuring taxi car piece in front of real property

This cab is a playing piece for Monopoly Live

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Funny Video - Mesh plays action game Doom 3

Watch out fellow gamers .. Here is a classic example why new action games are rated :P . Just joking , but when you launch your favourite game I bet the monsters or villans are the one screaming , here is the other way around. Watch Mesh play doom 3!

Jokes - The Orange Line

Sandra was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know of her activities.
One day, the police raided the whole group of prostitutes at a hotel, and Sandra was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Sandra's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked,
"Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Sandra told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she
was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself."
And she proceeded to the end of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
"Wow, still going at your age?
How do you do it?"

Grandma replied,
"Oh, it's easy, dear.
I just take out my dentures, rip back the skin, and then I suck em dry."

Jokes - Blonde Indecent Exposure

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma`am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
The officer replies, "Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Jokes - Irish and France Chirac

A couple of Irishmen were drinking in a bar, and decide they want to kick the crap out of France. They call Chirac, and tell him they're going to take over the country. Chirac says they have a standing army of 100,000 and the Irishmen would have no chance. The Irish say “That is a lot. We’re going to think it over and call you back.”

A day passes and the Irish call him back.

“We’ve got O'Grady and his brother from down the road to join the cause, we’re going continue the invasion!”

Chirac says the initial threat spooked him, and he had a draft. The standing army is now 300,000 Frenchmen and 10,000 tanks. The Irishmen are unnerved, and say, “We’re going to mull it over and call you back.”

The next day, the Irish again call Chirac.

“O'Malley and O'Brien are also willing to fight, and they both have tractors to take out your tanks!”

Chirac says the standing army is now at 1,000,000 Frenchmen, 20,000 tanks, and 5000 Airplanes and their pilots as they prepare for war. The Irish put him on hold.

After five or ten minutes, the Irish pick up the line again.

“Chirac, you old dog, we're calling off the invasion. We just don't have the resources to house that many POWs.”

Monday, July 24, 2006

Gags - Click on the Blue

Large Blue Internet Explorer icon

Click on the blue ie icon ;) lol

Probably all of you have run into this kind of sites, but this particular site carries a message, actually a campaign against Microsoft and Internet Explorer (I wonder why anyone would have something against Microsoft =)) ). Sit back .

Enjoy and relax while you keep clicking for the next message but remember in the future be very carefull on what links you click!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Jokes - Brunette Logic for Blonde Lovers

Two brunettes living in Sydney were sitting on a bench
talking........ And one brunette says to the other, "Which do
you think is farther away..........the Gold Coast or the moon?"

The other brunette turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can
you see the Gold Coast...??"


A brunette pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
Says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


A police officer stops a brunette for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"


There's this brunette out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another brunette on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"

The second brunette looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even
more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she
pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a brunette."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"


A Russian, an American, and a brunette were talking one day. The
Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were
the first on the moon!"

The brunette said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said
the Russian.

To which the brunette replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!"


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
Name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


A girl was visiting her brunette friend, who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The brunette
responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one
was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the brunette. "They're
watch dogs!"

Funny Picture - Cats that look like A. Hitler

Without a shadow of a doubt these are the best Hitler look-alikes I have ever seen (the most hitler-esque) ! Watch out as some might be freaked out for a while from the resemblence.

(bowl cut and all! Not to mention attitude, these cats have that Hitler glare lol)

Funny - Uganda Safe Sex

HumorSection Funny Picture - Uganda Safe Sex

Can a man have more than one wife and be safe from AID through sex?

Yes, if the man does not have sex with women other than his wives, and if his wives do not have any boyfriends.

If a man is faithful to his wives all his life, and if his wives are faithful to him all of their lives, AIDS cannot be brought into their marriage by sex.

(If a man is faithful to his wives and his wives are faithful to him, they will all be safe from AIDS spread by sex.)

But in some areas in Uganda a man can also have sex with his brother's wife. This practice is not safe because the man may not know how faithful his brother has been or how faithful his brother's wife has been. This is not safe especially if the brother has died of AIDS.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Funny - First Impression - What is he doing?

Funny Picture . Guess what this man is doing ! It is funny how a first impression marks us, this is true mostly for any man and woman in real life, next time try to question the obvious!

Guess what this man is doing .. We can see it is quite funny how a first impression marks us. This is true mostly for most people in real life, next time try to question the obvious!

Friday, July 21, 2006

Funny Crazy Kids

Well not actually crazy but rather mature

These kids know what they want ( kids grow up so fast :P)

funny picture - two kids making out

funny picture - kid undressing woman on the street

funny picture - kid and hot babe - good catch , back action

and last but not least we present you tommorows kid:

funny picture - grown up kid

Jokes - Funny Picture - Clown Kids

Here are the latest in kids dummies
I wonder if the reactions from passers-by affects them in later life?

(Click the image to enlarge)
Funny Pictures - Kids Dummies

Funny - Coca Cola satisfies every man and woman

Picture - Coca Cola satisfies every man and woman

Thursday, July 20, 2006


Take care on your local supermarket! The scam works as follows:
2 hot chicks , around 18 years old , come close with their car as you put the groceries in the trunk . They start to dust your car as their tits are touching your car window .

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them cash , the girls won't accept it and ask instead for a free ride to a similar supermarket. The hot chicks get in the back of your car and as you drive , they start making out.

After a while one of the girls gets in the fron and gives you a blowjob while the other manages to steal your wallet. I advise you to be very carefull as this happened to me friday , monday and last saturday, now I will go again ...

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Funny Picture - Chocolate Egg surprize

Chocolate Egg surprize - Rasta Do it yourself marijuana kit + filter and instructions

Picture Jokes - Zidane

Zidane - Mortal Kombat Style .. Fatality : Finish him !
Flawless Victory !

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Official Note - Vacation started

Ok.. I will take a vacation so unfortunatelly will leave the blog unposted for a while :(.. I'll get back with some fresh new articles , but meanwhile feel free to check the older articles/jokes/funny stuff. There are a lot of funny pictures worth viewing and jokes worth "hearing" and then telling them to your friends.

Also for all of you have a great time this time of year :P !

Funny - The Humping Camel

Funny Picture - The Humping Camel

Friday, July 07, 2006

Jokes - After making love

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Happy Birthday Alexutza

La multi ani Alexutza!! Sper ca o sa te distrezi si acasa :P

Toate cele bune

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Funny Animation - Man smoking cat ??

Funny Collection Pack 1 (Funny Pictures)

Probably you all have seen " I'm with stupid T-Shirts" now check out the new trend :P.

Gilles the crocodile.. This is a funny picture by LECTRR.

A rat trap .. This bushrat copy :P as you can see is very funny ... Watch out .. PWND !

The old devil horns trick.. And nobody had to do it .. ;)

Jokes - Billy is afraid of monsters under darkness

Jokes (Funny) - Billy is afraid of monsters from beneath the bad (bau-bau) under darkness
-Any monsters under my bed tonight ?
-Maybe. Maybe not.
-You mean "Definitely yes" ?
-We didn't say that
-I mean "I" .
- .. Uh... That is if there were any of me.
-Shut up. Winslow .(said another voice comming from beneath the bed)
-Luckily for me. Monsters don't think clearly when they're hungry.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Jokes - Monica - Dog Joke

Bill let's call her Monica - Dog Joke

Jokes - African Shakespeare - Black People Joke (White&Colored)

Dear white fella,

Couple things you should know:
When I was born, I black
When I grow up, I black,
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black,
And when I die, I still black.
You, white fella,
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey.
And you have the fuc**** nerve to call me colored?

Jokes - Perfect woman : Nowhere to be found (does not exist)

* I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

* Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

* I'm bored. Let's shave my little kitty, you big lion king!

* Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!

* God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

* I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

* You're so sexy when you're hungover.

* I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

* Let's subscribe to Hustler.

* Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

* Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

* I'll be out painting the house.

* I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

* Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see!

* I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

* No, no ... I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

* Your mother did a great job raising you.

* Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

* I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

* Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

* Not the mall again! Come on let's go to that new strip joint!

* Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

* You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

* That was a great fart! Do another one!

* I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you...

Monday, July 03, 2006

Funny - How to make the 2008 Olympics MORE interesting

edge sword fighting

jump over hot melting lava with spikes beneath

dive in a small pool

skier aimed with shotgun

athlets in the air

man running scared from truck

passing it on , watch out it's dynamite

funny - chainsaw fighting

funny - jumping over the fence

Tutorial - Animate yourself website

Animate yourself website. Here you can create unique 3D avatars that without any particular designing knowledge or experience can be animated in just few minutes.

Create 3D animated avatars:

Create 3D animated avatars - Boy dancing

Create 3D animated avatars - Masked man - fellow just in shorts (kid)

Create 3D animated avatars - American , pet lover - patriot

Create 3D animated avatars - Party animal , Discoteque

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Jokes - Hemorrhoids (young couple and elderly joke)

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting.

The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What’s wrong honey?"

She replies. "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, & "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses her lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me, do you do hemorrhoids?"

Jokes - Willpower (beggar and hot woman joke)

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman & said,

"I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him & said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Jokes - Bat Faintintg (funny bats hanging)

There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one.
Two bats comment:
What happened to this one?
I don’t know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.

Jokes - Pills for your ills

An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem:

"I fart all the time, Dr. Johnson, but they're silent, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days. Then come back to see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office:

"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is now much worse. I'm farting just as much, and they're still silent, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," replied the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we can begin to work on your hearing!!"

Funny Humor

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