Humor Jokes

Humor Section: Find new jokes and funny stuff. Add your own or comment on existing ones.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Have fun in online casinos

The following is a paid review:
I found some good casions on the Online Casino BlueBook website . This is a list of the top casions on the internet . This list provides details such as payouts for each casino and a review that makes a difference in choosing the right casino for online betting.
If you are like me , then you want a good deal to start with .
The reviews for each casino from the 10 best casinos list are written by experienced online gamblers and provide personal experience for each casino , various tips and listings of payouts for each game from the casino . You will also know what kind of deposits each casino accepts.
Popular online casinos and online poker rooms are a great way to have fun if you have at least some money to spend . Don’t be surprised but you might end up with more money in the end . Poker is an easy game and although some people are more experienced than others in the big picture anyone can win at this game . Well if you happen to loose don’t worry just try another game from the online casino . Remember the important thing is to have fun . You could also bring your friends for an online competition .

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Funny Pickup Lines

@ Pickup Lines For Computer Geeks

- Nice Set of Floppies!
- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
- I'd like to play on your laptop.
- Need me to unzip your files?
- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!
- I'd like to boot up your PC!
- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!
- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)
- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...
- Your homepage or mine?

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Jason, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".
Jason was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Jason, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Jason.
"Well just relax and let it happen".
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!"

Monday, June 25, 2007

No Sex Tonight

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ somuch. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I havenever figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting intobed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feellike it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for meto satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled lookby saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you inthe bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time withher. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, bigunnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried onseveral different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one totake so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes tocompliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. Wewent onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamondearrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I wasone wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me becauseshe asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to playtennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is alldear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feellike it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffledWHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’rejust not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfyyour shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like shewas going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am andnot for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

Gov Logo

Government Logo

Now this is funny as in corporate humor :
The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than this .

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Satellite Gps tracking of every mobile

I found out this site that lets you enter any telephone number and it will try to find and show you the exact location of the mobile holder with a 10 feet error range.

mobile tracking

satellite tracking

So what do you wait I bet you want to find out what your girlfriend / boyfriend is doing right now if she/he is not besides you @ Mobile Phone Tracking

Father Day Jokes

Since today : 17 June 2007 is father day in El Salvador, Guatemala and the first father's day in USA was celebrated on June 19, 1910, in Spokane, WA I decided to gather some Father's day jokes :

One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper.

The little girl said, "Daddy, your the boss, aren't you?"

Her Daddy smiled, pleased, puffed out his chest and replied, "Yes."

"That's because Mommy put you in charge, right?"


"Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water, please,"
"But, I've given you 10 glasses of water already!"
"Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!"


Quote from kid: "My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it's always Mom who tell him which pair to put on!"


Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one!


What do you call the two people that embarrass you the most in front of your friends?

Mom and Dad

Happy Father's day to all the Dad's out there

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Football & Sex

Coin Toss = Asking them out

Kickoff = Holding hands

1st Down = Kissing

2nd Down = Up the shirt

3rd Down = Down south

4th Down = Oral action

Touchdown = Shaggin’

Victory Dance = Smoking afterwards

Time Out = The guy needs more time/can’t get it up

Incompletion = Guy can’t get off

Interception = Someone walks in on the two of you

Offsides = Gay person/Gay action

Flag on the play = Unwanted Advances

Delay of game = Girl has her period

Hail Mary = Not sure the other one wants it, but you go for it anyway

Hike = Up the rear

Reverse = 69

Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky

2pt. conversion = Multiple orgasms

Prevent Defense = Condom/protection

Face Mask = Guy pulls girl head down to blow him

Shotgun = Touchdown in a car

Two minute warning = Guy gives the girl a warning before he blows his load

Holding = Cuddling

Superbowl = Wedding or Prom night

Huddle = Multiple participants

Madden ‘99 = Cybersex

Instant replay = When you tape the two of you having sex

Illegal use of the hands = Masturbation

Ball Hog = Slut

Onside Kick = Making up after a fight

Double Header = Two mates in the same night

Tight End = Virgin

Wide Receiver = Girl that’s loose

False Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)

Pass Interference = Some stupid kid interrupts before you can get some

Fumble = Cheating (problem in the relationship)

Putting it through the uprights = Self explanatory

Special Teams = Prostitute/Gigolo

Unsportsmanlike Conduct = Bragging to your friends about your activities

Double Coverage = Two condoms

Handoff = Handjob

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Funny Taste

First of all, nope, this isnt a joke...

Just two days ago (12th June), in Japan... they released a new version of Pepsi:

Funny Taste

Thats right, Pepsi.... ice.... cucumber.... : i wonder what tast does the drink have . I bet you too can't wait to taste its flavor , a rather humorous sensory impression i think , but I will hold my comments unti I will get to really taste it . It's Funny that you can see the competition betwen these two big drink manufacturers , and they seem to run out of ideeas on how to beat each other down and take the lead in sales. Taste is a strong point in this battle and either one of the companies could choose a taste that either sounds funny and you just want to try it at least once or something that you think you will switch to.

I think of the taste of cucumber, then I think of the taste of Pepsi... and damn they do not go well together.

OK.. i was a fan of Lemon cola, coke with vanilla, even cherry coke... but this... this seems a little crazy
Whats more, is people have already tried it and they say its disgusting lol

Whats your take on the new flavor?
and while you're here, which do you prefer; Coke or Pepsi?
@ Funny Taste

Funny Lines

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on a clock called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it!

some preety intresting(or not,just unusuall)things:

The venom in a Daddy Longlegs spider is more poisonous than a Black Widow's or a Brown Recluse, but they cannot bite humans because their jaws won't open wide enough.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

The pop you get when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas bursting.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents who are present and don't die throughout the movie.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.

It's impossible to get water out of a rimless tire.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

In Minnesota it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head.

In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30 minutes after eating garlic.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

Polar bears are left-handed.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump".

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1,000 and a size 108.7 acres.

The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.

You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

No president of the United States was an only child.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

A quick guide on how to bathe a cat:

1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.(You may consider this step optional.)
2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.
3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.
4. Sit on lid. Cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions.
5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse the cat. NOTE: Hold securly to leash attached to cat in toilet.
6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out the door, and slam it shut securly, because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet propelled.
7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry himself.
8. Bask in self-congratulatory haze.

and last,but not least,why is human kind doomed:
(those are from actuall products)

On a blanket from Taiwan.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists.

On a Taiwanese shampoo.

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink.

On a New Zealand insect spray.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles.

On a Sears hairdryer.

On a bag of Fritos.

On a bar of Dial soap.
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding.
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife.
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights.
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor.

On Sainsbury's peanuts.
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? And that's bad why?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts.
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

On a child's superman costume.
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

On some frozen dinners.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine.

On Nytol sleep aid.

@ Funny Lines

Funny Humor

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