6/27/2006 - Girl on Maury Povich has a completely irrational fear of pickles (make your own joke). I love how the Maury school of therapy thinks the best way to over come a fear is to pretty much drown the person in whatever they are afraid of until they crack and get over it.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman waving at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, “What the heck's going on up here?” We're having a great time downstairs!
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!”
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
On a Sears hairdryer Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding "Product will be hot after heating." (and you thought?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (I'm taking this because?)
On most brands of Christmas lights "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere)
This week might not have been the best week for small dogs but fat felines should certainly be proud of their kind. Why? Well look at that picture above. That's Jack the cat protecting his owners yard in West Milford, New Jersey from a visiting black bear.
When the bear first came into the yard Jack went after him and scared him up a tree. After fifteen minutes the bear finally got the balls to come back down, only to be chased up another tree minutes later. Finally, worried for the safety of their 15-pound-pussy Jack's owners called him back into the house and the bear went away. Not exactly New York news, but still, how cool is that cat?
A woman sitting in a restaurant in St. John's, NFLD suddenly began to cough while eating a giant lobster. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two men, Bob and Bill, sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked Bob.
The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Bill.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue,shook her head 'No.'
With that, Bob walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt yanked down her panties, and ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again.
Bob swaggered back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his beer. Bill said in admiration, toasting Bob, "Ya know boy, I'd heard of dat dere Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I setup a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secured room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.
His mother was Jewish and his father was a native. So Johnny asks,"Mommy, am I more Jewish or more native?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home, Little Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more native?"
"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more native?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing."
Thank you for your letter of June 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, [Your Name]
“My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name", he said. "Did your mother give it to you?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I Like most in my life - cars and men."
They continued to talk and finally she asked: "What's your name?" "Beerfuck," he replied .
1) God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. 2) I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. 3) I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way. 4) Keep honking while I reload. 5) Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! 6) Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. 7) 5 days/week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. 8) EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. 9) Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. 10) If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. 11) If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. 12) Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. 13) My wife complains I never listen to her...or something like that. 14) Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a Native American! 15) If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy. 16) Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, 1949
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."
- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the Los Angeles Riots
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. "
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Two women meet in the afterlife. Following is the conversation they had.
1 st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2 nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1 st woman: I froze to death.
2 nd woman: How horrible!
1 st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2 nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1 st woman: So, what happened?
2 nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1 st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ... we'd both still be alive.
It is just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights.
It is a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming, “I want a bitch with herpes.”
Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
“I said ‘I want a bitch with herpes’” says the child.
“Well I’m afraid we don’t have any ladies that fit that description” replies the Madam.
“I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes” says the boy, putting £1000 on the counter, next to the frog.
The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth £1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him.
After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour, “Why did you want a whore with herpes?”
“Well,” explains the boy “My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I’m going to fuck my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he’s going to fuck her. Then he’s going home to fuck Mum. In the morning she’s going to fuck the milkman. He’s going to fuck his wife, she’s going to fuck her boss, he’s going to fuck his wife - my English teacher, she’s going to fuck my headmaster and HE’S THE CUNT WHO KILLED MY FROG!”