Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was
carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John Kerry."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
"Excellent trade, sir."
Monday, February 26, 2007
Humor - Age
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothing" said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
"Ah, that's nothing" said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Funny Joke - Please Stand Up
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you`re a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn`t want to see you standing there all by yourself."
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you`re a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn`t want to see you standing there all by yourself."
Friday, February 23, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
breasts.txt
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
(+)(+) Fake silicone breasts
( * )( * ) Perky breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{O}{O} D cups
(oYo) Wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced breasts
(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma’s breasts
( - )( - ) Against the shower door breasts
o | | o | Android breasts
( $ )( $ ) Martha Stewart’s breasts
(+)(+) Fake silicone breasts
( * )( * ) Perky breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{O}{O} D cups
(oYo) Wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced breasts
(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma’s breasts
( - )( - ) Against the shower door breasts
o | | o | Android breasts
( $ )( $ ) Martha Stewart’s breasts
Monday, February 19, 2007
Funny - English Love Poem
An English Love Poem
(Who said British men aren't romantic?)
Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top Notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can Get my arms round there
No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me grannies grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter wot you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the soccer's on
And fetch another beer
(Who said British men aren't romantic?)
Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top Notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can Get my arms round there
No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me grannies grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter wot you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the soccer's on
And fetch another beer
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Funny Jokes - Why I divorced my wife
"What would you like?" my wife asked as she prepared the evening meal. "Tuna, salmon, chicken, beef or liver?" Surprised and pleased by this unusual opportunity to make a selection from such an extensive dinner menu, I replied, "Beef would be nice for a change, thank you."
"Oh," she said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was asking the cat. We're having soup." ....
"Oh," she said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was asking the cat. We're having soup." ....
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Funny Jokes - Bacon and Eggs
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes
to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast
and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get
any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't
getting any milk."
mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes
to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast
and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get
any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't
getting any milk."
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Humor , to make you smile
1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences…..She thought she was God and I didn’t.
2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I’m not a complete idiot –Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the st uffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room -spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24.. They call it PMS be cause Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27.. Ham and eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.
2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I’m not a complete idiot –Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the st uffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room -spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24.. They call it PMS be cause Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27.. Ham and eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Simon says Modern Reality not Joke
Vista contains improved speech recognition technology, a factor which prompted security researchers to see if it was possible to create MP3 files on hacker websites or audio tracks distributed on P2P networks to issue spoken commands which takes control of PCs running Vista.
Read more:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/02/01/vista_voice_recognition_attack/
Read more:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/02/01/vista_voice_recognition_attack/
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