Don't wait .. Go elf yourself :))
www.elfyourself.com
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Holiday elf greeting card
Cheerfull animation flash postcard to send to amuse your friends on christmas holidays or when it's just snowing outside.
Don't wait .. Go elf yourself :))
www.elfyourself.com
Don't wait .. Go elf yourself :))
www.elfyourself.com
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Ultimate Christmas Gift for men
This is the ultimate christmas gift all you women out there could get for your friend/boy friend / or husband with this special occasion.
Merry Christmas Everybody and a Happy New Year ! I won't be posting very much on holidays as I will be in vacation away from home .
Merry Christmas Everybody and a Happy New Year ! I won't be posting very much on holidays as I will be in vacation away from home .
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The Smartest Sardar
A Sardar went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn’t like Sardars.
The game warden ordered the Sardar to show his hunting license, and the Sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario.This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license,boy?”
The Sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Quebec duck.
This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?”
The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?”
Again the Sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Sardar “Just where the hell are you from?”
The Sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert.”
The game warden ordered the Sardar to show his hunting license, and the Sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario.This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license,boy?”
The Sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Quebec duck.
This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?”
The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?”
Again the Sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Sardar “Just where the hell are you from?”
The Sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert.”
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Words Hidden Meanings
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Funny - engineer's Life
How to determine if you are an engineer: So True ...
1. The only jokes you receive are through email (OUCH)
2. At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
3. Buying flowers for your girlfriend/boyfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
4. If you find that you have to often explain how to use the gifts you have given other people.
5. Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
6. In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure
7. The Salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
8. You are always late to meetings
9. You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
10. You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.
11. You bought your wife/husband a new CD ROM drive for her birthday
12. You forget to get a haircut (for 6 months!)
13. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
14. You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting
15. You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines
16. You comment to your wife/husband that her straight hair is nice and parallel
17. You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
18. You have Dilbert comics/paphanelia displayed anywhere in your work area
19. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
20. You have more friends on the internet than in real life
21. You have backed up your hard drive
22. You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
23. You have used coat hangars and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
24. You know what http:// stands for
25. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
26. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
27. You see a good design and still have to change it
28. You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring
29. You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it
30. You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory
31. You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
32. You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
33. You window shop at Radio Shack
34. You're in the backseat of your car, she/he is looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
35. Your checkbook always balances
36. Your laptop computer costs more than your car
37. Your wife/husband hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work
38. Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz pentium
39. You've already calculated how much you make per second
40. You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio
41. Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.Chocolate
1. The only jokes you receive are through email (OUCH)
2. At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
3. Buying flowers for your girlfriend/boyfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
4. If you find that you have to often explain how to use the gifts you have given other people.
5. Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
6. In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure
7. The Salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
8. You are always late to meetings
9. You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
10. You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.
11. You bought your wife/husband a new CD ROM drive for her birthday
12. You forget to get a haircut (for 6 months!)
13. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
14. You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting
15. You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines
16. You comment to your wife/husband that her straight hair is nice and parallel
17. You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
18. You have Dilbert comics/paphanelia displayed anywhere in your work area
19. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
20. You have more friends on the internet than in real life
21. You have backed up your hard drive
22. You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
23. You have used coat hangars and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
24. You know what http:// stands for
25. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
26. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
27. You see a good design and still have to change it
28. You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring
29. You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it
30. You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory
31. You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
32. You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
33. You window shop at Radio Shack
34. You're in the backseat of your car, she/he is looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
35. Your checkbook always balances
36. Your laptop computer costs more than your car
37. Your wife/husband hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work
38. Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz pentium
39. You've already calculated how much you make per second
40. You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio
41. Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.Chocolate
Funny - Xmas Trees and Onions
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes hrough three phases.In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch,flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree". A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes hrough three phases.In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch,flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree". A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
Humor - Texan Baby
A Texas farmer is drinking in a New York bar when, he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the farmer just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Budweiser beer, wipes his
Lips 0n his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Ah Had'm circumcised!"
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the farmer just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Budweiser beer, wipes his
Lips 0n his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Ah Had'm circumcised!"
Jokes - The Titanic and Bill Clinton
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for
this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica , their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill .
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose 's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica .
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica 's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Monica .
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica ...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary ..basically the same thing.
One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for
this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica , their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill .
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose 's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica .
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica 's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Monica .
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica ...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary ..basically the same thing.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
Humor - Belgium Fake Revolution
Belgium's fake revolution
Fake TV report sends Belgium into a panic
Belgian TV broadcast a fake news program that sent the country into a panic.» Details
A huge phony newscast was reported as the "Flemish parliament has unilaterally declared the independence of Flanders" and it is said that King Albert and Queen Paola had left on the first air force plane available because of this belgium fake revolution that got announced over the news what was actually Belgium Independence Hoax.
There's no revolution in Belgium. Really!
[quote]
Suddenly and shockingly, Belgium came to an end. State television broke into regular programming late Wednesday with an urgent bulletin: The Dutch-speaking half of the country had declared independence and the king and queen had fled. Grainy pictures from the military airport showed dark silhouettes of a royal entourage boarding a plane.
[/quote]
Frantic viewers flooded the call center of the RTBF.
"Ambassadors who were worried asked what they had to tell their capitals," said Senate Chair Anne-Marie Lizin. "This fiction was seen as a reality and it created a catastrophic image of the country."
The Belgium Independence Hoax was a stunt aired by Broadcasters.
You might imagine that the only people who enjoyed this program that was intended to be humorous in some way were the separatist far-right Flemish Interest party.
Fake TV report sends Belgium into a panic
Fake TV report sends Belgium into a panic
Belgian TV broadcast a fake news program that sent the country into a panic.» Details
A huge phony newscast was reported as the "Flemish parliament has unilaterally declared the independence of Flanders" and it is said that King Albert and Queen Paola had left on the first air force plane available because of this belgium fake revolution that got announced over the news what was actually Belgium Independence Hoax.
There's no revolution in Belgium. Really!
[quote]
Suddenly and shockingly, Belgium came to an end. State television broke into regular programming late Wednesday with an urgent bulletin: The Dutch-speaking half of the country had declared independence and the king and queen had fled. Grainy pictures from the military airport showed dark silhouettes of a royal entourage boarding a plane.
[/quote]
Frantic viewers flooded the call center of the RTBF.
"Ambassadors who were worried asked what they had to tell their capitals," said Senate Chair Anne-Marie Lizin. "This fiction was seen as a reality and it created a catastrophic image of the country."
The Belgium Independence Hoax was a stunt aired by Broadcasters.
You might imagine that the only people who enjoyed this program that was intended to be humorous in some way were the separatist far-right Flemish Interest party.
Fake TV report sends Belgium into a panic
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Jokes - On The Nude Beach
As part of his growing up process, Isaac and Renee take their 6 year old son Aaron to a nude beach. As Isaac and Aaron take a walk along the sands, Aaron notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mum’s, so he runs back to ask her why.
"The bigger they are, Aaron, the sillier the lady is," explains Renee.
Aaron is pleased with her answer and goes away to play. But 5 minutes later he returns to tell Renee that many of the men have larger things than his dad has.
"The bigger they are, Aaron, the dumber the man is," explains Renee.
He is again very pleased with her answer and goes back to play.
5 minutes later, Aaron is back again and promptly tells Renee, "Mum, dad is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets."
"The bigger they are, Aaron, the sillier the lady is," explains Renee.
Aaron is pleased with her answer and goes away to play. But 5 minutes later he returns to tell Renee that many of the men have larger things than his dad has.
"The bigger they are, Aaron, the dumber the man is," explains Renee.
He is again very pleased with her answer and goes back to play.
5 minutes later, Aaron is back again and promptly tells Renee, "Mum, dad is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets."
Humor - You Might be Trailer Trash if...
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Jokes - Restaurant Waiter jokes
Sarah is on a dinner date. When she gets to the Golders Green restaurant, she is shown to her table. Her date has not yet arrived. She puts down her handbag and waits. After 10 minutes he still hasn’t arrived so she decides to tidy herself up to make sure that she looks perfect for him. She bends down and starts rummaging through her handbag, looking for her mirror. Unfortunately, as she is bending down, she accidentally lets go a loud fortz just as a waiter is walking by. Sarah immediately sits up straight. She’s embarrassed and red faced and sure that everyone in the restaurant heard her ‘misdemeanour’ so she quickly turns to the waiter and shouts, "Stop that."
The waiter looks at her and keeping a straight face says, "Of course, madam, which way was it headed?"
fortz: fart
The waiter looks at her and keeping a straight face says, "Of course, madam, which way was it headed?"
fortz: fart
Jokes - Pickle Slicer
Yossel Abramovitz works in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he suddenly develops a very powerful desire to put his shlong in the pickle slicer. After three months of restraint, Yossel can’t stand it any more and decides to seek professional help for this infatuation of his. He then spends many sessions with a psychiatrist who finally gives up on him.
"Yossel," says the psychiatrist, "because your desire to put your penis in the pickle slicer is so powerful, the only way to get over it is to actually do it."
"OK," says Yossel, "I’ll do it first thing tomorrow morning at work. I promise."
And next day, Yossel does what he promised. But at 11am, he arrives back at his house. This worries his wife Sarah and she asks him why he’s home so early. Yossel tells her for the first time about his desire; that he couldn't take it any more, and that today he did it and got fired as a result.
Sarah gasps, runs over to him, pulls down his trousers and pants – and sees his shlong perfectly normal and intact. She looks up at him and says, "I don't understand, Yossel, what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"She got fired too," replies Yossel
"Yossel," says the psychiatrist, "because your desire to put your penis in the pickle slicer is so powerful, the only way to get over it is to actually do it."
"OK," says Yossel, "I’ll do it first thing tomorrow morning at work. I promise."
And next day, Yossel does what he promised. But at 11am, he arrives back at his house. This worries his wife Sarah and she asks him why he’s home so early. Yossel tells her for the first time about his desire; that he couldn't take it any more, and that today he did it and got fired as a result.
Sarah gasps, runs over to him, pulls down his trousers and pants – and sees his shlong perfectly normal and intact. She looks up at him and says, "I don't understand, Yossel, what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"She got fired too," replies Yossel
Funny - Things to do in a public toilet
Comment "Pooh, who did that?"
Complement people on their shoes.
Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.
Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.
Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in THEIR bowl.....
Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.
Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"
Simulate a drug deal.
Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).
Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.
Start a sing-a-long.
Act schizophrenically.
Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy....
Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.
Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"
Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."
Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.
Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.
Say "Oops.... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.
Fake an orgasm.
At night, switch off the lights.
Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"
Collect a door charge.
Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"
Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.
Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.
Write essay questions on the toilet paper.
Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.
Offer refreshments.
Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.
Run in, yelling "Free Willy!"
Charge admission.
Electrify metal urinals.
Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.
One word: GOLDFISH.
Make a jello in the bowl.
Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.
Remove stall doors.
Glue seat and cover down to bowl.
Place signs warning of hour video surveillance.
Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.
Put itching powder on the toilet seats.
Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.
Replace soap in dispenser with custard.
Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available.
Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.
Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).
In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice for young players: Don't leave the water in while you do this....)
Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.
Complement people on their shoes.
Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.
Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.
Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in THEIR bowl.....
Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.
Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"
Simulate a drug deal.
Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).
Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.
Start a sing-a-long.
Act schizophrenically.
Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy....
Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.
Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"
Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."
Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.
Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.
Say "Oops.... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.
Fake an orgasm.
At night, switch off the lights.
Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"
Collect a door charge.
Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"
Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.
Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.
Write essay questions on the toilet paper.
Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.
Offer refreshments.
Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.
Run in, yelling "Free Willy!"
Charge admission.
Electrify metal urinals.
Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.
One word: GOLDFISH.
Make a jello in the bowl.
Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.
Remove stall doors.
Glue seat and cover down to bowl.
Place signs warning of hour video surveillance.
Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.
Put itching powder on the toilet seats.
Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.
Replace soap in dispenser with custard.
Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available.
Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.
Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).
In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice for young players: Don't leave the water in while you do this....)
Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Humor - George Carlin Thoughts
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .. ... they're cramming for their final ex am.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .. ... they're cramming for their final ex am.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Monday, December 11, 2006
Fat Ugly Joke
A woman looks in the bedroom mirror...and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment!"
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Entertainment - Arthur Worsley - Ventriloquist
A Ventriloquist and his doll , what could be more funny , I know it may sound to you as old humor but you have to check this small video footage of a ventriloquist and his doll on a show.
Nowadays ventriloquists are not that popular anymore , but stay with me and watch this little footage to bring up good old quality humor .
This is so funny that you may want to try to be a ventriloquist. Well speaking and not moving your lips may proove harder then it looks like . Indeed there were some special courses that ventriloquists had to follow in order to have a grade A performance.
Performed on "The Ed Sullivan Show" on November 3, 1957. Available on "The Very Best of The Ed Sullivan Show Volume 2"
Nowadays ventriloquists are not that popular anymore , but stay with me and watch this little footage to bring up good old quality humor .
This is so funny that you may want to try to be a ventriloquist. Well speaking and not moving your lips may proove harder then it looks like . Indeed there were some special courses that ventriloquists had to follow in order to have a grade A performance.
Performed on "The Ed Sullivan Show" on November 3, 1957. Available on "The Very Best of The Ed Sullivan Show Volume 2"
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Humor Jokes - Happy Frog
A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, Did you do what I told you to do?
Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!she shouts.
The owner, looking confused, replies, well that`s a perfectly trained frog. I can`t understand what`s wrong.
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.
Turning to the frog, he says, Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I`m showing you this!
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, Did you do what I told you to do?
Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!she shouts.
The owner, looking confused, replies, well that`s a perfectly trained frog. I can`t understand what`s wrong.
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.
Turning to the frog, he says, Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I`m showing you this!
Humor - Sony Unveils New Self-Destructive
Another weak attemp at defeating Piracy
Sony Unveils New Self-Destructive
Tokyo - Many industry analysts have wondered which way Sony would go in the copyright protection debate. Sony manufactures both hardware, which is harmed by piracy controls, and entertainment, which is helped by piracy controls. A recent release of a self-destructive DVD player shows that the entertainment division is winning that internal argument.
"Large amounts of pirated material were hopefully destroyed in the blaze," said MPAA officials.
"Copy protection has been foiled too easily by pirates, and we need to do something more effective," said Sony Entertainment vice-president Harold Wang. "Self-destructive DVDs have been tried, but rejected by consumers. We feel that consumers will embrace the self-destructive DVD players, because it gives them that Mission Impossible I've-got-the-latest-gadget feeling. We even have the player say 'This DVD player will self-destruct in 10 seconds.'"
Wang addressed the safety concerns of destroying a DVD player: "Sure there are safety issues, but most homes are equipped with smoke detectors these days, and are chock full of pirated material which would be destroyed in the blaze. OK, their house might burn down, but isn't that a small price to pay to combat piracy?"
Full story
http://www.bbspot.com/News/2003/05/self_destruct.html
Sony Unveils New Self-Destructive
Tokyo - Many industry analysts have wondered which way Sony would go in the copyright protection debate. Sony manufactures both hardware, which is harmed by piracy controls, and entertainment, which is helped by piracy controls. A recent release of a self-destructive DVD player shows that the entertainment division is winning that internal argument.
"Large amounts of pirated material were hopefully destroyed in the blaze," said MPAA officials.
"Copy protection has been foiled too easily by pirates, and we need to do something more effective," said Sony Entertainment vice-president Harold Wang. "Self-destructive DVDs have been tried, but rejected by consumers. We feel that consumers will embrace the self-destructive DVD players, because it gives them that Mission Impossible I've-got-the-latest-gadget feeling. We even have the player say 'This DVD player will self-destruct in 10 seconds.'"
Wang addressed the safety concerns of destroying a DVD player: "Sure there are safety issues, but most homes are equipped with smoke detectors these days, and are chock full of pirated material which would be destroyed in the blaze. OK, their house might burn down, but isn't that a small price to pay to combat piracy?"
Full story
http://www.bbspot.com/News/2003/05/self_destruct.html
Monday, December 04, 2006
Humor Jokes - James Bond
James Bond walks up to the bar at the casino in Monte Carlo, sits down near a beautiful woman and keeps checking his watch.
Eventually she turns to him and asks him if his friend is late.
"well actually" he says "this is a special watch that i got from Q and it speaks to me telepathically."
"and what is it telling you?" asks the beautiful woman.
"That you are not wearing any knickers this evening" replies James.
"well" said the woman, "it must be broken because i am wearing knickers."
"DAMN" said James, "Must have set it an hour fast this morning!"
Eventually she turns to him and asks him if his friend is late.
"well actually" he says "this is a special watch that i got from Q and it speaks to me telepathically."
"and what is it telling you?" asks the beautiful woman.
"That you are not wearing any knickers this evening" replies James.
"well" said the woman, "it must be broken because i am wearing knickers."
"DAMN" said James, "Must have set it an hour fast this morning!"
Funny Picture - Women scorned - Bitter Breakup
Bitter Breakups (wow.. I wouldn't want to be in any of this guys place to face a woman that can do such things , breakup is awfull .. a bitter breakup that involves a woman scorned)
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breakups funny photos
revenge from angry women (women scorned) after a bitter brakeup
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breakups funny photos
revenge from angry women (women scorned) after a bitter brakeup
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Funny Picture - Stress at Work
Extreme Office Stress
That is what could happen of to much stress so don't do everytime like your boss says and enjoy a little of your time at work by relaxing.
That is what could happen of to much stress so don't do everytime like your boss says and enjoy a little of your time at work by relaxing.
Funny - Ten (10) new words
1. AQUADEXTROUS
(ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION
(kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT
(dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS
(el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST
(frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION
(lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER
(peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS
(pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION
(tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
The words don't exist but these words make a lot of sense :P .
(ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION
(kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT
(dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS
(el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST
(frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION
(lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER
(peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS
(pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION
(tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
The words don't exist but these words make a lot of sense :P .
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Funny Picture - Right Brain Conflict
I 'll give you this little exercise to do.
You'll notice it is quite hard to spell the requested word correctly as what happens is your right brain and left brain get in conflict , while you try to say the colour of the word out loud instead of the actual word wich is part of the colour listing.
X-ServerList user please come here for original content and bookmark your entertainment resource
You'll notice it is quite hard to spell the requested word correctly as what happens is your right brain and left brain get in conflict , while you try to say the colour of the word out loud instead of the actual word wich is part of the colour listing.
X-ServerList user please come here for original content and bookmark your entertainment resource
Friday, December 01, 2006
Funny News - No more internet ?
RIAA wants the Internet shut down
Interesting argument of the day
By Nick Farrell: Wednesday 29 November 2006, 08:38
ONE OF THE lawyers involved in defending cases bought against people by the RIAA claims that if the music industry wins a crucial case, the Internet will have to be switched off.
Speaking on the DefectiveByDesign anti-DRM campaign site, Ray Beckerman said the case of Electro vs. Barker has become very important for the web's future.
Barker was being defended by Beckerman who made a motion to dismiss the case because the RIAA had forgot to provide any acts or dates or times of copyright infringement as the law normally requires.
The RIAA argued that by merely making files available on the Internet Barker was making a copyright infringement.
Beckerman said that it was a shocking argument because if it were accepted by the court it would probably shut down the entire Internet. If you send any file on the Net the RIAA will be allowed to suspect that you are in breach of copyright.
What was more disturbing is that the RIAA called up its mates in Washington to back it up. Apparently the United States Government has put in motions supporting the RIAA.
From here:
http://theinquirer.net/default.aspx?article=36027
LMAO It's a global thing - what are they going to do pull the plug worldwide? How can they shut down the internet? How are they even going to do it in America? Shut down ISP providers? Stop the public from subscribing to ISPs? I bet you that would break some Constitutional rights. It would be interesting to actually compare the tax revenue generated by the ISP subscriptions to the tax revenue generated by the movie/recording industries etc. The fact is that the media copying is damaging the profit margin of the artists ( debatably ) , developers & companies involved in the production of software/games/music/movies and someone is taking a hit to the pocket that they can probably afford but don't actually like so something has to be done or at least be seen to be being done. Talk about shutting down the internet is ludicrous and scare-mongering drivel.
Although this seems worrying I think it's plain funny that they decided to tell such stories that internet could be possibly shut down as a solution.
Interesting argument of the day
By Nick Farrell: Wednesday 29 November 2006, 08:38
ONE OF THE lawyers involved in defending cases bought against people by the RIAA claims that if the music industry wins a crucial case, the Internet will have to be switched off.
Speaking on the DefectiveByDesign anti-DRM campaign site, Ray Beckerman said the case of Electro vs. Barker has become very important for the web's future.
Barker was being defended by Beckerman who made a motion to dismiss the case because the RIAA had forgot to provide any acts or dates or times of copyright infringement as the law normally requires.
The RIAA argued that by merely making files available on the Internet Barker was making a copyright infringement.
Beckerman said that it was a shocking argument because if it were accepted by the court it would probably shut down the entire Internet. If you send any file on the Net the RIAA will be allowed to suspect that you are in breach of copyright.
What was more disturbing is that the RIAA called up its mates in Washington to back it up. Apparently the United States Government has put in motions supporting the RIAA.
From here:
http://theinquirer.net/default.aspx?article=36027
LMAO It's a global thing - what are they going to do pull the plug worldwide? How can they shut down the internet? How are they even going to do it in America? Shut down ISP providers? Stop the public from subscribing to ISPs? I bet you that would break some Constitutional rights. It would be interesting to actually compare the tax revenue generated by the ISP subscriptions to the tax revenue generated by the movie/recording industries etc. The fact is that the media copying is damaging the profit margin of the artists ( debatably ) , developers & companies involved in the production of software/games/music/movies and someone is taking a hit to the pocket that they can probably afford but don't actually like so something has to be done or at least be seen to be being done. Talk about shutting down the internet is ludicrous and scare-mongering drivel.
Although this seems worrying I think it's plain funny that they decided to tell such stories that internet could be possibly shut down as a solution.
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